Hiatus...

College began in the last week of July and I tried to turn my attention to other things to divert myself from this rather recent heartbreak. I did stop now and then to contemplate how things had become what they were now, and whether I ever had any sort of a relationship with her or was it all just some form of alternative reality. However I could not restrain myself from contacting her, so I sent her a sentimental sort of sms once, she replied wishing that I would not send such messages in future. I then sent a somewhat brusque message; she immediately called me up and pleaded with me to not send her any messages of ‘that sort.’ I said I wouldn’t send her messages of any sort.

Over the next couple of months I kept no contact with her but she kept sending me emails asking me about my college and life in general and she said that she was wondering why I wasn’t replying to her emails. And near Dussera she sent a mail in which she said that now she wanted a reply. I said to myself fine, I’ll give her a reply.

I wanted to be bitter, sarcastic, and mordant. Instead while composing the mail I let the flood gates of my emotions open more than the recommended level and told her all about what I wanted to talk to her had I met her, and that I was so hurt by the fact that she had not told me about Akshay and her that I refused to be rational. It was basically a pretty incoherent mail in which I wrote whatever came to my mind. While ending the mail I added that I still loved her and needed her and couldn’t do without her.

She replied saying it was nice of me to send that mail since it cleared stuff between us and perhaps was a step in normalizing relationships once more. She said that she knew I was hurt but it was the basic reason that she didn’t want to tell me about it, it’s some sort if a paradox. There was perhaps no way she could have escaped hurting me.

Never mind.

Then things as they say became normal between us and we continued on the phone calls and emails routine. There were a few memorable times when I was thinking about her when I received her phone call. (Of course, I was always thinking about her so this was not so much of a big deal).

On my birthday she was the first one to wish me at exactly twelve in the night. And I found this oddly significant since most of my friends called me the next day in the evening.

On the eve of the new year I called her up just a few minutes before midnight because I wanted my voice to be the last thing and the first thing she would get to hear in the new calendar year. I also kept on asking her to send me her photographs and (as some sort of a step in a getting-over process) I wanted her to discuss Akshay with me, as in the way she would discuss him with any other friend. This was a wish she never conceded to me, she always said she might mail me about it at a later time but she never did it. I personally thought that it might be a measure to normalize stuff with her, that I may behave as any other friend of her. However she kept me as a special-status friend, someone with whom she would never talk about Akshay.

In the middle of January I had this sudden attack of frustration which resulted in my writing a poem called ‘You don’t need me anymore’. It was a direct letter to her in which I pointed out what our friendship had become or was on the point of becoming. It was a heartfelt outpour and I sent it to her even before the ink had dried.

She rejected the poem simply, by telling me that it was a very nice piece of work, I wanted to shout at her and tell her that it was intended for her. I became upset over the fact that I knew I was stuck in some sort of a never ending and that although she would never be mine I could never stop thinking about her. I sent her a message, in which I asked her how she felt when I told her that I loved her. She sent a rather expected reply that she respected and admired my feelings. Damn, I had begun to hate those two words. I told her that this was not the answer to my question; I wanted to know how she felt when I told her that I loved her and that I couldn’t dream of a life without her. She did not give me a clear reply but again started asking me not to send such messages; she said that I was special to her and all that. I decided to not talk to her for a while.