The Catcher In The Rye...

Some two weeks later when I was returning to college from home in a rather lonely train journey, as a way of experiment I wanted to see what the longest message that my cell phone could write, so I wrote a message six times the normal length, writing about her and then I thought since I had written about her I might as well as send it to her. She responded by giving me a ‘missed-call’. And I replied by calling her back and telling her that I was a complete idiot and that I frequently gave into mood swings and that I hoped she didn’t feel bad about it. Then I had a rather long conversation with her, completely forgetting my frustration etc.

Back in college, I told my friends about what I had done. Weakling, Divij called me.

I said I couldn’t help it.

Valentine’s Day came by. At the stroke of midnight I received a message from her mentioning a yellow rose or something, the symbol for friendship I believe. I immediately called her up and repeated my vows of love. She giggled and thanked me.

During our college fest Adarsh painted my face in black and white and wrote the words ‘With or Without You.’

It was also the year that Lucky Ali came to perform in our college, and when he started singing ‘O Sanam’ I quickly dialed up her number, said this is for you, turned up the loud speaker and put the phone to the music. Later I messaged her asking her if she liked it. She said she didn’t know what I was talking about. I grew angry and told her that it was Lucky Ali on stage singing ‘O Sanam’ and I wanted to share the moment with her. She said she could hardly hear the song at all.

Damn.

She did send me her photographs though, and she looked pretty as hell in each one of me. It became a daily exercise for me to put up her picture on the full screen of the computer and run a playing list of my favorite songs in the back ground, usually including ‘With or Without You’ by U2 and ‘I am So Tired’ by Ozzy Osborne.

Meanwhile I tried some reverse psychology on her to make her believe she might start loving me, and it sorely backfired when she said that the only person she could ever love was Akshay. This sent me in a rather blue mood. And we went on the usual hiatus in our relationship.

However as always I couldn’t wait to get back in contact with her. In one long conversation, and perhaps the last long conversation I had with her ever. I made her take a vow that she would remain my friend no matter what I do. She promised me that. We discussed a lot of things, and I told her I had saved her pics on my mobile phone. She said that was okay with her as long as Akshay didn’t come to know about it. You see he had been rather averse to the idea of her sending those photographs to me, and when I said why she changed the topic. That day she was considerably sad because she had argued with one of her hostel friends. It was the last time she asked for and I gave her my advice. I told her to patch up things with her as soon as possible, because soon she might not get the chance to do it.

We ended that conversation of ours on a rather happy note and she said that if I came to Baroda this year she would make it a point to meet me and spend some time with me. I was happy with this, but I knew that some sort of end was near, and I was surprisingly geared up for that. I didn’t know why I thought such, but I had this premonition.

Perhaps it was better to end things when we were both happy than to have a violent break-off.

I didn’t call her after that and didn’t feel like doing so. She did call me up once, on the day of the Bengali New Year in the middle of April and it was a long time since she had called up. We had a brief chat and I reminded her that her birthday was coming up and I expected a treat if/when I came to Baroda.

My vacations began in May, and I was once on the verge of seriously planning to go to Baroda, after Shubhankar and co. tried to lure me into coming there, giving me the usual ‘senti’ about friendship and all that. I did not go or even plan to go eventually.

On the twenty sixth of May this year, I called her up. It was her birthday, and I was damn cheerful while wishing her, I talked to her about her vacation plans, about how things were in general and about what she intended to do on her Birthday. Then I kept the receiver down, and vowed to myself to never call her up again, nor contact her through any means. This was supposed to be the final phone call from me to her.

She didn’t know about that, of course. I was careful enough not to give her a hint that this was the final time I would be talking to her on the phone. Or off it, for that matter.

She did contact me after that, with the advent of orkut.com in which she added me as a friend. I removed myself from her friend list later and that as they say was that.

I also sent a poem that I had written for her called ‘The Art of Saying Goodbye’ to her mailing address. I came to know about it much later that she had changed her email address long ago, and I didn’t get my chance to give her a final goodbye gift.

Damn.

Holden Caulfield in ‘The Catcher of The Rye’ says that the one thing that people should not do is write about their experiences, because then they start missing everybody, especially those that they write about. I guess he was right.

Hiatus...

College began in the last week of July and I tried to turn my attention to other things to divert myself from this rather recent heartbreak. I did stop now and then to contemplate how things had become what they were now, and whether I ever had any sort of a relationship with her or was it all just some form of alternative reality. However I could not restrain myself from contacting her, so I sent her a sentimental sort of sms once, she replied wishing that I would not send such messages in future. I then sent a somewhat brusque message; she immediately called me up and pleaded with me to not send her any messages of ‘that sort.’ I said I wouldn’t send her messages of any sort.

Over the next couple of months I kept no contact with her but she kept sending me emails asking me about my college and life in general and she said that she was wondering why I wasn’t replying to her emails. And near Dussera she sent a mail in which she said that now she wanted a reply. I said to myself fine, I’ll give her a reply.

I wanted to be bitter, sarcastic, and mordant. Instead while composing the mail I let the flood gates of my emotions open more than the recommended level and told her all about what I wanted to talk to her had I met her, and that I was so hurt by the fact that she had not told me about Akshay and her that I refused to be rational. It was basically a pretty incoherent mail in which I wrote whatever came to my mind. While ending the mail I added that I still loved her and needed her and couldn’t do without her.

She replied saying it was nice of me to send that mail since it cleared stuff between us and perhaps was a step in normalizing relationships once more. She said that she knew I was hurt but it was the basic reason that she didn’t want to tell me about it, it’s some sort if a paradox. There was perhaps no way she could have escaped hurting me.

Never mind.

Then things as they say became normal between us and we continued on the phone calls and emails routine. There were a few memorable times when I was thinking about her when I received her phone call. (Of course, I was always thinking about her so this was not so much of a big deal).

On my birthday she was the first one to wish me at exactly twelve in the night. And I found this oddly significant since most of my friends called me the next day in the evening.

On the eve of the new year I called her up just a few minutes before midnight because I wanted my voice to be the last thing and the first thing she would get to hear in the new calendar year. I also kept on asking her to send me her photographs and (as some sort of a step in a getting-over process) I wanted her to discuss Akshay with me, as in the way she would discuss him with any other friend. This was a wish she never conceded to me, she always said she might mail me about it at a later time but she never did it. I personally thought that it might be a measure to normalize stuff with her, that I may behave as any other friend of her. However she kept me as a special-status friend, someone with whom she would never talk about Akshay.

In the middle of January I had this sudden attack of frustration which resulted in my writing a poem called ‘You don’t need me anymore’. It was a direct letter to her in which I pointed out what our friendship had become or was on the point of becoming. It was a heartfelt outpour and I sent it to her even before the ink had dried.

She rejected the poem simply, by telling me that it was a very nice piece of work, I wanted to shout at her and tell her that it was intended for her. I became upset over the fact that I knew I was stuck in some sort of a never ending and that although she would never be mine I could never stop thinking about her. I sent her a message, in which I asked her how she felt when I told her that I loved her. She sent a rather expected reply that she respected and admired my feelings. Damn, I had begun to hate those two words. I told her that this was not the answer to my question; I wanted to know how she felt when I told her that I loved her and that I couldn’t dream of a life without her. She did not give me a clear reply but again started asking me not to send such messages; she said that I was special to her and all that. I decided to not talk to her for a while.

Last Train Home...

This journey of mine was for the longest of times in the past three years, I had decided to stay there for three complete days giving me ample time to meet her. I also learnt that Akshay would be there too, but this time I decided not to make it a factor in meeting her.

I stayed with Sanshit for the trip. And on the first night of my stay we had a long talk about her and life in general. He mentioned that Shubhankar and he had gone to her house after waters from the flood had receded (for it was the year when Baroda had been flooded heavily by the rains). He also mentioned that I was the chief topic of conversation between her and Shubhankar. I asked him to give me details of the conversation but he expressed his inability to do so, the reason he gave that her mother had served them some great potato chips. So while Shubhankar had some sort of a heated argument with her he filled himself with wafers. I blasted him and the whole potato chips making industry, to which he replied that the chips might have been home made but the main thing was that he was too busy concentrating on eating to pay any heed to the words being spoken there between Shubhankar and her. He told me to forget about her, saying stuff about deserving and all that, then he turned around and said that he had smsed her regarding my arrival and my plans to meet her.

Goddamn.

I blasted him and went to sleep, however when I met Shubhankar the next day I asked him about the said tête-à-tête he had with her (you see, I have a certain curiosity about talks in which I am projected as the central theme. It’s just a general inquisitiveness, nothing special). He told me that it was indeed for talking to her about me that he’d gone there. He said that he had explained to her that she should not hang me in between (I commented briefly that I wouldn’t mind hanging…) and that either she should talk with me or end things completely. And that was what he considered a day’s work. I couldn’t say for sure whether this was a good thing or bad, but it was a thing. And say what you may, a thing is a thing.

Akshay arrived a day after me and I decided not to take up this issue with him too blatantly. There was still no clear reply from her about our supposed meeting. I did mention it to Akshay that I was rather hopeful of meeting her and that I also hoped he would make his person scarce of the place I would meet her. He said he agreed with what I said and that he had no issues with my meeting her anywhere anytime.

In the mean time I received a rather cryptic message from her which said that we might not be able to meet because of classes etc, I thought she was referring to some particular day and since I was available for use at Baroda for three whole days I didn’t consider this to be a big issue.

Then it happened, right in the middle of my trip, on the evening of the second day.

We were all sitting in the smokers zone of Barista, an outrageously high priced coffee store, Akshay and Shubhankar were smoking, while I was discussing with Akshay the best and the most comfortable way to reach the city of her college when Sanshit’s cell phone rang. It was a number with the code of Anand. He handed the phone to me saying that it was sure to be her number, I picked it up but the voice was not clear. So I cut the phone and kept it with me, almost willing it to ring. The phone did ring after goddamned five minutes and I picked it up with a childish hurry while motioning with my other hand to the idiots to be quiet. They heard me, they looked at me once and then they continued as they were.

After exchanging the usual pleasantries I sprang the fact upon her that I was coming a-visiting the day beginning midnight. She tried hard to show some enthusiasm to the fact but then she suddenly said that she remembered she had classes and extra classes and more classes after extra classes. The thing was that her whole schedule was so goddamn jam packed that it was hard for her to meet me in any case. I mentioned lunch breaks and other breaks and the end of colleges and all that but she said that the time was not enough and that I would not be able to find her or something, I joked with a heavy dose of sarcasm that it was obvious she did not want to meet me even though I had come from so far away just to meet her.

The answer was something I had seriously not expected, and not even suspected.

She replied asking if I wanted to know the truth.

I said that I damn well did want to know the truth.

She said the truth was she did not want to meet me, and that was that.

I said, is that so.

She said it was so.

I said fine and cut the phone, now becoming aware of the increasing silence around me. I looked up to see all my friends staring at me with a mixture of shock, pity and surprise.

I decided for the dramatics, and said it’s over. I couldn’t bear sitting there with all of them looking at me, so I motioned to Shubhankar and we left the place.

On the way sitting behind his two wheeler I had to listen to Shubhankar’s philosophy about how it was really nothing at all and that I had given too much hype to it and all that that I actually had to shout at him and tell him to shut the hell up. I continued the rest of my trip in a blue funk, cheering up only now and then on false pretences. We stayed the night at Akshay’s guest house where I tried talking about her with him but he stuck to the ‘we are just friends’ line and annoyed the hell out of me.

The next day of the trip was as worse as the previous one had been with my mood swinging continuously from bad to worse and then to bad again and to worse again. I got a call from her, in which she tried to act normal telling me that the reason she did not want to meet me was that she wanted to salvage our friendship (nice try) and that she thought I expected too much from her. I added that I only hoped and never expected. She said whatever but that I should take care and best of luck for the future and that I had forgotten to tell her about my counseling result (I had not, I had mailed her). And that as they say was that.

We spent the evening loafing around in front of multiplexes and all that when Sanshit suddenly mentioned having seen her two-wheeler parked somewhere. My heart paced slightly faster and I asked him to lead me to it, but when we reached there I saw it was a false alarm. Sanshit muttered something about how he could have sworn it was hers and all that.

I left Baroda that night, this time personally swearing to never return. I also made the decision never to contact her again.

You know, it was my fault; I was the one blindly in love that I believed in a farce that had gone on so far to the point of not being funny at all.

Feeling Slightly Shaken...

The next whole year I spent in preparation for JEE, and I kept regular contact with her on phone and emails. All through this period I tried to forget my feelings for her. I was concentrating on my part as the closest friend and all that. All through that year she was single. Although it was small comfort that Akshay was in the same city as she.

And as the case is, as hard as I tried to tone down my feelings for her, the more I became attracted to her. So after my exam results were out and I found out that I’d gotten selected, I decided at the spur of the moment to ask her to be mine. I guess I was being too optimistic and looking at the future and all that. (Did I get carried away?...yes).

I was chatting with Shubhankar on the day of my selection when I told him about my plans. He told me to call him up immediately, because there was something that I had to know. I called him up as fast as I could get my hands on a telephone receiver. He told me briefly that she was back with Akshay. I reeled slightly, and pretending that I’d heard him wrong I asked him to repeat what he’d just said.

She is back with Akshay, sorry dude.

Back? When? How? I mean…?

They are in the same city, and used to meet regularly…

When did…

Even I don’t know, must be a few months back…they are pretty secretive about this time.

I’ll say…

I kept the receiver down and pondered over what I’d just heard and comparing it with what my knowledge was, it wasn’t long back since I’d last talked with her, and she wasn’t even close to mentioning any thing about the above. An internal argument started inside my brain, a conversation of some sort. I asked my self several questions.

(a) Why did this bother me? She was just a friend, and this was all just déjà vu anyway.

(b) Just a friend? You’ve got to be kidding; she said that I was one of her closest friends.

(c) I see, she told me, so I assume it to be correct, but is it correct?

(d) Damn it, I am messing my own mind up.

(e) Wait a minute, where’s this leading to?

(f) Isn’t it a fact that you were in regular contact with her?

(g) Yes, but?

(h) But what?

(i) Maybe you are right.

(j) Of course I am, she could have told you anytime, but she didn’t.

(k) And that Akshay, what about him?

(l) What about him! He wouldn’t have told you anyway.

(m) Face the bleeding facts dude, she didn’t tell you. Period.

(n) I see, I wonder why that is.

(o) Because you aren’t as close to her as you think.

(p) She should have told me.

(q) You bet,

(r) But she didn’t.

(s) No she didn’t.

(t) So it does not bother me that she is with Akshay. But the fact that she didn’t tell me about it.

(u) Yes of course.

(v) I am nothing.

(w) Face it, you are nothing.

(x) Just a friend, a mailing address, to send chain letters.

(y) Perhaps lesser.

(z) And now I am out of alphabets.

As I’d mentioned before, my strongest link to her was email. So I went back to

my computer and typed a bitter letter in which I said that I knew I was nothing to her and I hoped that my trip to Baroda would not coincide with the trip to Daman that she was going to with Akshay.

Like all weak men, I let my heart decide before my mind.

Later in the evening I called her up to tell her about my selection in JEE. Her sweet voice which earlier used to make me go weak had no effect on me this time. She was happy and congratulated me and was about to build up conversation, I cut it short and slammed the phone down.

Ha’ah!

I meant it to sting.

I decided that I wouldn’t go to Baroda that year, but later on after my counseling results were out I finally made the decision to go there. In the meanwhile I did receive a reply to my mail from her, she told me to not take things so hard and to not give her the place which she thought she did not deserve. She told me to stop doing ‘this’ to myself, and that we had a long way to go and that I was very special to her and that she respected my feelings and that I should not feel insecure and the usual.

You know…

Then the devil entered my brain, I wanted to do something ‘dramatic’ on what I billed as my last trip to that city (and I’ve maintained this), some sort of a final goodbye or something. I wanted a last meeting with her, maybe to have a long chat to end it all, whatever.

The thing is that I desperately wanted to meet her, and maybe not totally with a negative intention. Perhaps talking things out would have helped salvage something. And it was possible that I could resolve whatever issues I had with her. It had taken me time but I had realized that she had paid me the supreme compliment by not telling me about Akshay; it was an effort on her part to prevent her from hurting me with this knowledge. It was because of her ‘respect’ for my feelings that she had not told me about him. However, I did get to know about it anyhow, and in the process I was hurt anyway. So I guess wasted effort on her part.

Still, I was angry, because I’d come to know about this from a third person even if that third person was a close friend like Shubhankar. And I refused to be rational. So I expected something on this so-called final trip off mine to Baroda.

And...

Then came the news of some tension between her and Akshay, she said something to me, Akshay also did say something about not being able to give her enough time and all, and she said that Akshay was not as close as he used to be, or so.

It was another year, and another Valentine’s Day. I called up Shubhankar to talk about bad luck and things in general, and he gave me the news that Akshay had broken up with her for no particular reason. Most probably because it seemed like a good idea at that time and so I immediately called up Akshay and confirmed this news from him. He said that what I’d heard was true and he had no reason for it as of yet, and as soon as he’d get a reason, I might be the first one he’d inform. Very well I said and asked her how she was taking the whole thing; he said she was fine and that basically it was all for the best and she now had studies on her mind. And then he added a little later that it was perhaps for studies that he’d broken up with her.

I don’t know whether I felt better or not, but it was certainly a nice feeling to know that she was single again. And this was one thought that never slipped my mind. However, she had the fault of being pretty and pretty girls find it hard to remain single for long. What with the fact that I was several states away from her, the only thing that excited me and made me (yes I admit it, it did) happy was that she was not with Akshay any more.

We had our Board exams then, and after that I had all my competitive exams, even though they all turned out to be sum-zero and I geared up for another year of JEE preparations. She joined a college that was near to Baroda, I talked to her now and then on the phone when I got the chance. Slowly, I don’t exactly remember what happened but we began to be a little distant. Perhaps Akshay had acted as a link between us, I don’t know, maybe I am just seeking excuses.

Meanwhile I heard that Akshay had a new girl friend, so I figured that she was pretty much out of his life.

Chance permitted me to have another trip to Baroda, exactly one year after my last trip, and this time I was to stay for a slightly longer duration than last year. I made her promise that she’d meet me, but it was difficult for her as her college had already started and although it was near to Baroda, it was still one hour’s distance and she lived in a hostel. This meant that during my stay in Baroda she’d be in her college and I’d have to go Anand to meet her. Thus lessening our chances of meeting at all. Still, I was going to Baroda, and it would have been unfair for us to not meet.

The thing was that I was unsure of the fact that whether I wanted to meet her or Akshay, myself being angry at the fact that throughout our relationship I’d been just a shoulder to cry on, and although I don’t know whether I was right or not on this count, I was pretty frustrated. So I planned my trip to Baroda, and didn’t keep a meeting with her as an essential item.

Nevertheless, I went there for a day and a half, my friends had all taken admissions in various colleges; I had decided to prepare for JEE one more year. The trip entailed the usual meeting after long time stuff, and for the larger part of the first day I stayed at Sanshit’s place. And she called up on his home phone number, I had a brief chat with her and she said that she won’t be able to come, and I’d have to go to her. I talked with my friends about this and I found out that none were too keen to come with me, all citing some technical reason or another. Then Akshay came over and I ended all discussion about her, because I didn’t want to talk about my meeting with her in front of him.

The day passed and in the evening Shubhankar made another half-baked attempt at planning a trip to meet her, he called up an old classmate who was also in the same college as her. I’d to leave at around five the next day, so it was necessary for me to meet her at some time during the morning. We planned something but didn’t finalize anything.

The next day Shubhankar came to meet me at a time much later than one suitable for going to Anand and meeting her and then coming back, we discussed this fact over lunch and I told him that I wasn’t to keen to meet her anyway. He chided me for keeping this point of view telling me that I had an important part in her life and that I shouldn’t behave like an imbecile. He cited certain examples which made me realize that he was more or less right, then I reproached him for making me realize the above rather late since now I hadn’t anytime left in which I could meet her. To make amends I decided to send her a card, I picked up one which said ‘I LOVE YOU DEAR FRIEND’ in multiple places. At the shop Shubhankar’s pen came undone when I was penning down her name and mine when I was rescued by a rather helpful shop girl who couldn’t stop gushing over the subject of the card. She gave me a glittery sort of writing instrument which left an annoying sparkle on the words. I added a small note in apology, and instructed Shubhankar to hand over the card to her personally with my words in entirety.

I left the city in the evening feeling rather happy about giving her the card, as something that she can keep with her, something to remember me by.

Much of my relationship with her was based on electronics mails, sent periodically, and used as a perfect means to express my feelings.

So, when I checked my mail on returning to Jhansi I found one by her, in which she said that she hoped my trip to Baroda had been satisfactory, and then she asked me whether we were growing apart as friends. She said that since Akshay left her, I had been a constant factor in her life but now I was also drifting away. She thought that the last conversation she had with me was forced on me by her. She said that she was getting increasingly insecure and was very afraid of losing her friends.

I replied giving my excuses for not showing up, generally blaming Shubhankar for everything, and mentioning the fact that Akshay had come over at Sanshit’s place and I didn’t want to talk about her in front of him. I said that I was sorry and she didn’t have to worry, I’d never drift away from her. I also played down my mistake a bit by saying that It was partly her fault too, since I’d come to Baroda from a place rather far away, she could have made the distance and come to Baroda for meeting me.

The next few mails between us were a love feast and a place for Akshay bashing, I asked her if she could ever give thought to falling in love with me, to which she replied that I was the best friend she had, and I believed that it was one of the times when I was very close to her.